A Penny For Your Sixpack

25 Dec
I heard you bought your tickets to the gun show?

I’d say get your tickets to the gun show–but it’s all sold out.

‘Tis the season for New Years! New Years resolutions!

Enter all the lists of things that We Are Finally Going To Do.

Finally going to read those books. Finally going to finish that novel. Finally going to eat healthy and get in shape.

It’s the last one that’s the tripper, isn’t it? Everyone wants to kick off the New Year with a WHOOSH rapid lifestyle switch so that BAM, wake up by spring with a bikini body. We’re thinking tight buns and abs, abs, abs, with centerfold dreams of morphing ourselves into taut, streamlined space cruisers.

I’ve been pursuing my own fitness for the past five years, and the sixpack obsession never ceases to amaze. Walk into the magazine aisle at any drugstore and every single women’s magazine will have “flat belly” somewhere on the cover. Men’s magazines as well, only with different packaging*. In either case, the exercise tutorials promise about as much success as the sex advice–laughable at best and downright horrifying at worst.

But the fact remains the same: mainstream culture is telling us that we want abs.

The question is, why?

They’re hot. We want those space cruiser bodies. We want to be intimate with the muscle underneath our skin, make tangible the contours of our physical being. Human anatomy is gorgeous. No wonder Michelangelo was enraptured by it.

image (c) Wikipedia

image (c) Wikipedia

Now imagine that you have your dream sixpack.

Yep, you’re hot.



Still hot.

The world is at your knees. Maybe you’ve got a job interview coming up, or a hefty exam. Doesn’t matter, you’re going to ace it. Why? Because you have a sixpack.

But what happens when you get the call saying that sorry, you’re unqualified for the job? Or that you failed the exam?

You realize that your sixpack didn’t prevent you from forgetting to turn your phone off, thus making an ass of yourself at the interview when your Single Ladies ringtone went off, over and over again. At the exam, it didn’t study your notes for you or magically input the material into your brain. You were in the same boat as the sixpack-less guy next to you, who spends every class playing Pokémon under his desk.

A sixpack isn’t an indicator of your worth as a human being. It’s a set of muscles, and not one of them gives a crap about you.

You, however, do give a crap about you.

So, why do you want those abs?

*No pun intended


2 Responses to “A Penny For Your Sixpack”

  1. Ela Woodbeck December 28, 2012 at 3:18 am #

    Major thankies for the article.Much thanks again. Keep writing.

  2. Aron Becenti December 28, 2012 at 3:17 pm #

    Very informative post.Really looking forward to read more. Awesome.

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